So, they're thinking about remaking Lethal Weapon? And Akira, The Warriors, Short Circuit? And Fright Night and The Crow? Jesus fucking christ. Next you'll be telling me they're remaking Total Recall...
Sorry, what was that? They are?? Fuck you, Hollywood, you greedy, money grabbing shits!!
I'm getting increasingly pissed off with obnoxious, tanned, Armani-suited twats sat in air conditioned LA offices deciding to ruin my childhood memories. The last thing I want to see is a 19 year old 'captain of the football team' pretty-boy beefcake playing Douglas Quaid or Sergeant Martin Riggs.
If that happened I would, and I swear by the beard of Zeus, be on the next reasonably priced, economy class flight to Hollywood. I would then (and this is, admittedly, the tricky bit) create an army of malevolent cyborgs wired specifically for pain and entirely under my command. They would then be programmed to horribly mutilate every last 'human' responsible for churning out these poor excuses for films. I'm talking the tea boys, the caterers, the script writers, the actors, the director - EVERYONE.
After I'd finished laughing maniacally and clapping my hands in glee, I'd set the robots on Megan Fox, Kristen Stewart, Shia LaBeouf, Lindsay Lohan, the Wayans brothers and countless others, then flee the country on an endorphine-fuelled high.
I repeat: Fuck you, Hollywood!!
Monday 24 January 2011
Thursday 13 January 2011
"Today is the first day of the rest of your miserable life"
To expand upon my esteemed blog-eague's (that blog colleague, bitches) earlier post...
#1 - Old people are indeed shit heads (mostly). At what point in your existence have you stopped and thought that maybe walking, on a Saturday afternoon in a busy city centre in an overpopulated world, at the same pace as a severely disabled slug that's single brain cell has expired is maybe not such a cool idea?!
If I roundhouse kicked you in the back of your wrinkled, self righteous head you might speed up a bit, no? Granted, you'll be flying through the air, but at least you'd be in FUCKING MOTION. You're less 'E=MC2' and more 'E=WTF?!' Just because you happened to have survived this shitty world longer than a lot of us it doesn't mean we owe you anything. K?
#2 - It is a truth universally acknowledged that rape is never funny. Except when Michael Bay is involved. I would personally love to see that moronic ballbag tied up in a dank back-room and get taken roughly from behind by a 25 stone gimp, a la Pulp Fiction.
I'd like to get hold of all the napalm that misogynistic little prick has used in his over-budget, over-hyped so called 'films' (that I have somehow managed to watch, an experience akin to having my eyes injected by hyperdermics filled with a new AIDS/ebola hybrid disease for which, dear readers, there is NO vaccine), and use it to blow up his greasy, smug, twattish soul. Yeah, I'm not a fan.
#3 - So, someone please clarify what exactly are we sponsoring bears/tigers/pandas e.t.c. for? As soon as one of these mammalian arse-clowns runs a half marathon in Roundhay Park, I might shell out 50p a mile. £1 if they're in fancy dress.
Oh, to the people who have stumbled upon this blog by accident, the porn's thatta way. Just there, to the right. No, further up... Yeah, just there next to the rotting corpse of your self esteem.
#1 - Old people are indeed shit heads (mostly). At what point in your existence have you stopped and thought that maybe walking, on a Saturday afternoon in a busy city centre in an overpopulated world, at the same pace as a severely disabled slug that's single brain cell has expired is maybe not such a cool idea?!
If I roundhouse kicked you in the back of your wrinkled, self righteous head you might speed up a bit, no? Granted, you'll be flying through the air, but at least you'd be in FUCKING MOTION. You're less 'E=MC2' and more 'E=WTF?!' Just because you happened to have survived this shitty world longer than a lot of us it doesn't mean we owe you anything. K?
#2 - It is a truth universally acknowledged that rape is never funny. Except when Michael Bay is involved. I would personally love to see that moronic ballbag tied up in a dank back-room and get taken roughly from behind by a 25 stone gimp, a la Pulp Fiction.
I'd like to get hold of all the napalm that misogynistic little prick has used in his over-budget, over-hyped so called 'films' (that I have somehow managed to watch, an experience akin to having my eyes injected by hyperdermics filled with a new AIDS/ebola hybrid disease for which, dear readers, there is NO vaccine), and use it to blow up his greasy, smug, twattish soul. Yeah, I'm not a fan.
#3 - So, someone please clarify what exactly are we sponsoring bears/tigers/pandas e.t.c. for? As soon as one of these mammalian arse-clowns runs a half marathon in Roundhay Park, I might shell out 50p a mile. £1 if they're in fancy dress.
Oh, to the people who have stumbled upon this blog by accident, the porn's thatta way. Just there, to the right. No, further up... Yeah, just there next to the rotting corpse of your self esteem.
Welcome. Turn your head sidewards and cough.
I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce myself. I will instead shit out some cold hard god damn truth nuggets into your brain via your bloodshot eyes.
Fact #1) Old people are shit heads.
Fact #2) Hating things is an awesome way to pass the time, and a great way to meet new, hateful people.
Fact #3) Michael Bay's mother was raped by an explosion. He is the byproduct of that penetration.
Fact #4) If I were to sponsor a polar bear, I'd be pretty fucking upset when one didn't turn up at my door 2 weeks later.
Fact #5) JJ Abrams is gay for lens flare. Haven't watched Star Trek? You don't belong here.
There. That's to start us off. I'm sure the 2 of us, and the 3 or 4 random guys who accidentally found their way here searching for porn will appreciate the 7 minutes I put into that list. More to come.
Viva La Raccoon!!
Wednesday 12 January 2011
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