Films shmilms

So, they're thinking about remaking Lethal Weapon? And Akira, The Warriors, Short Circuit? And Fright Night and The Crow? Jesus fucking christ. Next you'll be telling me they're remaking Total Recall...

Sorry, what was that? They are?? Fuck you, Hollywood, you greedy, money grabbing shits!!

I'm getting increasingly pissed off with obnoxious, tanned, Armani-suited twats sat in air conditioned LA offices deciding to ruin my childhood memories. The last thing I want to see is a 19 year old 'captain of the football team' pretty-boy beefcake playing Douglas Quaid or Sergeant Martin Riggs.

If that happened I would, and I swear by the beard of Zeus, be on the next reasonably priced, economy class flight to Hollywood. I would then (and this is, admittedly, the tricky bit) create an army of malevolent cyborgs wired specifically for pain and entirely under my command. They would then be programmed to horribly mutilate every last 'human' responsible for churning out these poor excuses for films. I'm talking the tea boys, the caterers, the script writers, the actors, the director - EVERYONE.

After I'd finished laughing maniacally and clapping my hands in glee, I'd set the robots on Megan Fox, Kristen Stewart, Shia LaBeouf, Lindsay Lohan, the Wayans brothers and countless others, then flee the country on an endorphine-fuelled high.

I repeat: Fuck you, Hollywood!!